Goodbyes

So I had my first Walla Walla goodbyes.
The first was my eye doctor, Dr. Poffenroth.
He's taken care of my eyes for 25 years.
He's more than just an eye doctor.  He's a caring person and a friend.
As I left my last appointment, he handed me a card with a referral to a friend of his who practices in Port Angeles.
I looked at the card.
And realized...I won't see him again.

I've been living in a bit of denial.
I know.  Big surprise.

With all the excitement and chaos of moving,
And all the stress of living in limbo,
I somehow missed that I'd be leaving some things
some people
behind.

I know I'll be back often.
To see my kids and the new grandbaby,
friends and family.
This fact allowed me to forget...
there are some I won't see.

Even though we promise to keep in touch,
Life has a way of getting busy.
Good intentions and all that.

I  have written many times about Walla Walla.
It's a magical place.
Safe, nurturing.
I never thought I'd leave.

People ask why.
So many reasons.
It's time.
I've changed.
My children have grown up.
They are strong, independent, self-sufficient.
Amazing beings, each of them.

And then,
There's love.
When you find someone
Who can tell by your "hello"
When you answer the phone
That you're not okay.
And he says, "What's wrong?
How can I help?"
And you say,
"Well, I could use a hug."
And he says,
"I'll be there in six hours."
And he is.

When he sees that look in your eye
And says, "Whatcha got, love?
Talk it out."

The kindest eyes I've ever seen.

He loves with no limits.
Kenny said, "I love Dennis."
And then...
"No you don't understand.
I love him.  He's the kind of person
that always goes above and beyond."

And when a person like that
Makes it clear
Through action, every day,
that he wants you in his life.
When he is willing to move
heaven and earth to make that happen.
Well, you don't let that go.

Even though it means change.
Big change.
Bittersweet change.

It seems these days that
my heart is entirely made up of
missing.

When I'm in Walla Walla,
I miss Dennis and Port Angeles.
When I'm with Dennis,
I miss my kids,
and the rolling hills of Walla.
And always, every minute,
I miss Daryl.

I'm always torn.

My life has changed.
To the point that really,
nothing is the same.
Nothing.

My work is different
without Daryl,
Without his humor, his insight,
his curiosity, his love,
my days lack balance.
I see him on FaceTime,
and my heart leaps.
And after, I cry.
And cry.

I have no home.
Living in someone else's house,
I'm so grateful to be welcomed so.
But it's hard, and different.
And hard.

Daily routines are disrupted.
Everything feels wobbly.
Stability is a memory.
Possibility is present.
I'd like to say I'm not scared.
But I am.

Kenny, last night,
"It's changing.
I can't control it.
I'm not ready."

Oh, Kenny,
Are we ever?


"You know you can't keep the ground from shaking, no matter how hard you try,

You can't keep the sunsets from fading, you gotta treat your life like

You're jumping off a rope swing, baby, 'cause the whole thing's really just a shot in the dark.

You gotta love like there's no such thing as a broken heart,

You gotta love like there's no such thing as a broken heart."

I'm as ready as I'm going to be.

Life is always full of questions.

There are no guarantees,

no promises.

Dave taught me that

time is short,

there is only now.

I'm ready

to love like there's no such thing as a broken heart.