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Catching Up

Hello Constant Reader,
Friend, Ally, Supporter,
Prayer Warrior,
Brother, Sister...

I'm not sure what I would do without the support I get through this blog. I might go insane. Wait...I might be there already.

In fact so much so that I asked my children tonight what they thought of moving to the Seattle area. They all looked at me like I had three heads. I'm not thinking of doing anything drastic, but I look around and realize that in many ways, I'm terribly unhappy and lonely. So like any good 12-stepper, I look for a quick fix...geographical cure. Wouldn't it be nice to start over? Just ditch everything and go somewhere new and fresh and clean?

Not really, I guess.

For instance, we would have missed this one:

Zach says, "Mom, I need lunch money." (This, as I'm sweetly encouraging Kenny for the 15th time to get in the shower, as I'm gently reminding Kate for the 10th time to brush her teeth, as I'm giving positive affirmations to them all about how I'm certain they remembered to do all their homework, let the dog out and empty the dishwasher...and that nobody left a wet load of laundry moldering in the washer.)
Mom says patiently, with a smile, "Okay, dear one, I'll write a check for you in the morning, and I don't even mind that you always leave it to the last minute."

Okay, maybe not.

But I did promise him money and then promptly forgot.
So next day, I'm driving to pick Z up from basketball practice. And suddenly I remember...THE LUNCH MONEY! And I'm thinking, he never eats breakfast, and he went to school at 6:25 for BDAD and then school and then practice and now it's 6:00 and he's had NOTHING to eat and oh my goodness, there goes my Mom of the Year Award and he's going to be grouchy and maybe his friends took pity on him, oh dear, .... you get the idea.

So Z gets in the car. He smiles and tells me the story. He was sitting at lunch, forlorn and hungry and one of the women that works there came to him and said, "You're Dave's son, right?" And Z says, "Yes." And she said, "I just wanted you to know that if you ever need money, there is about $20 left on your Dad's account and you can use that."

WOW. Thanks Dave.

And we would have missed this one:

I'm surrounded by young moms and we're talking about husbands, and I'm telling one of the stories about Dave. Laurie walks in with a beautiful red rose. For me? Yes, for you. I read the card..."I know Dave would want you to have this. A friend." Everyone got chills. How amazing is that? Not only that someone would care that Dave's love was sent to me on Valentine's Day, but that the rose would come just as we were talking about him, and when I was surrounded by people who would understand just what that rose meant. Whoever you are, thank you, thank you.

And we would have missed this:

Kate, playing her heart out at a basketball tournament in Wenatchee. Brother Z, assisting the coaches, sitting on the bench with the little girls who adore him. Kate, disappointed that she got two fouls. Zach: "That's good! That means you were in there, you were playing hard." Kate laughing as Z turns purple after a bad call...."I thought you were going to break your clipboard." Kenny cheering when Kate made a basket. Watching girls who had been toddlers together run an offense...another gift only understood in the context of history.

And this:

Kate, turning 11 years old, smiling with her friends. Remembering when she was born, that copper hair, Dave saying, "She's a girl, Michelle...she's a GIRL!"

And this:

Kenny, watching the Superbowl with his brother, overjoyed at being with him, excited and enthusiastic, even though his team isn't in the's football after all. And Kenny tenderly checking on how I'm doing as we make the long drive back from Wenatchee...just to see the damn Superbowl. Remembering Dave, loving to watch sports, filming the Sweet Sixteen when he was supposed to be filming Zach's first birthday.

And this:

Kate, a ring of Saturn, gliding across the stage, the same stage she's danced on every few months since she was three. Elegant, beautiful, gracefully extending her arms, placed just so, her love for dance shining on her face, head held high, spinning, bending, leaping. Incredible to see this child grow from a little clown with bouncing pigtails tied in pink ribbons to this breath-taking young woman.

And this:

Z slamming his hand in the car door, bringing his friend to the ER with him to get stitched back together.
And finally, after almost two weeks, playing b-ball again.
Jumping up to block a shot, getting undercut from behind, FIVE FEET in the air - HORIZONTAL - coming down on his back. End of season.
What other pediatrician would "get it" the way Ted does? What a treasure he is.


There are good things here. There are.
And there are bad things other places. There are.
And nothing
and no place
can erase the ache.

Love to you all...

PS Added later...clarification after reading the comments...No, I'm not really thinking of moving, just fantasizing about how some days, it would be nice to fly away and forget...but we never really can, nor would we actually want's just a bit of fancy...

and....I have to echo what Kathie, Canute & Sue said: Walla Walla is an incredible place...I hope you see that is why I listed all the wonderful things that have happened here in the past few weeks...that could have never happened anywhere else on earth, that we would have missed if we'd been anywhere else at all. This place is filled with people who care beyond any place I've ever seen, read about or heard of...I venture that heaven itself is only a shade better than Walla Walla. Miracles happen here. (Although the very few bad apples in the barrel do seem to be aiming right at me these days...but that's another story.) So rest assured, we're staying put, and we do appreciate and love you all and I could never express how grateful I am for all you've done to keep us going over the past 9's more than I can even say, and I hope that's coming through, loud, strong and clear....

I love this song by Sanctus speaks to my heart, because I'm not 'alright,' as it says, but all I go through leads me to seek support, and to draw closer to God. I especially like the part where he sings, "Honestly, I'm not that strong." Because I've felt anything but strong lately, and I know that in my weakness is where God will shine through. He shines every day in the people that surround me and lift me up and keep me going.


  1. I think that its good to stay in Walla Walla. I for one wish i lived there a lot of the time, seeing as it's hard to get into real country and fresh air from here, that my school is too small and i don't really know too many people in seattle, druggies in the ravine behind my house at night (so i can't go outside very late), and that you guys are there along with all the other totally awesome Walla Wallians (or however you say that).

    But anyways, if you leave Walla Walla, the ache will become bitter and hollow, because there are no reminders, not as many friends, not as much Dave. Its better to have an ache that can be filled every so often than an empty hole. Trust me, if there is anywhere close to heaven on earth, it's Walla Walla, at least in my mind.

    Yeah... and Go Colts! eh Kenny?

    The Canuteiac

  2. Michelle
    If you left Walla Walla there would be lots and lots of empty hearts. . . . .Walla Walla loves you! What beautiful pictures and what wonderful stories. Dave didn't let Z starve; now where else but Walla Walla would that happen I ask you. Your followers, your friends, your brothers and sister we all love you and pray for you. Stay put!

  3. Oh Michelle, as I read your thoughts I was thinking how to tell you, you could not leave (you can if you want), how to tell you the grass won't be greener on the other side, that you will still have sad times. Guess I was being a bit selfish till I got to the end and you said everything yourself. You are where you are to be at least for now. You might comment on how everyone is here for you. How Z did not go hungry, how everyone is there to support the kids in everything they do. How someone remembers what Dave would want you to have on Valentines Day. I hope you know how much all of us need you. How we need to still have Dave around in his kids. How you share his love.
    To sum it up: I want you happy, what ever that take. I want you to know your loved by so many. As always this was another message from you that made me realize how lucky we are to be in such a wonderful community.
    Love you guys, God Bless You.

  4. The ache would follow you where you go, you can't outrun it. At least where you are you have many people who love you and support you. It's fun sometimes to fantasize about leaving it all behind and starting fresh, but now is the time you need friends and supporters and that's what you have. Good luck and prayers are always with you.

  5. OK - I have to admit it, I was the only one out there saying "Awesome. We'd see the Meyers all the time."

    But, like everyone else, I know the amazing strength of the Walla Walla community. Seattle can be an easy place to get lost. Although that might be a pleasant thought at times, it can also be a lonely place.

    When I think about walking down Main Street with Kenny during Peach Basket, people left and right calling out Hey, I know you're in the right place!



  6. michelle.
    Well its totally Dave to think of zach when hes very very hungry..he was always a thoughtful man. And he loves you very much, you know that not just on valentines day but on every day he is sending you roses...he loves you michelle..we all do.

  7. It's okay to not be alright. Because it's not.

  8. I'm not sure everything will just be all right again.

    But it may be OK.

    You remain in my prayers.

  9. Michelle,

    I'm a lurker who's signed maybe once before. I just wanted to say how lucky you are to have such a suportive community. Mine used to be, but times change, people change, and life moves on.

    Your friends and family are lucky to have you in their lives. You are awesome.

    --Patti in NJ

  10. Chelle,

    I think about moving and starting over all the time! There is something appealing in it, isn't there. But we'd just be running away. Running away from those who know and care about us, running away from all that is still good in our lives. And, the part that is missing in our lives will always be with us, no matter where we go. So, it's a fun fantasy I guess. Love the pics of dancer Kate, love em!! Such a young lady now. Good kids. Good mom. Good friends. Good town. It's a good life Chelle, it is. It isn't the way we want it to be, but it can still be good. Love you my friend. Cathy

  11. Hey guys
    How are you doing?
    I think that you will make the right decision but i also think that without you in walla walla, it wouldnt be the same for us or the others that would have been left behind. As my brother said, its better to have that ache over an empty hole. Well, occasonally, its good to forget, but in the big picture, you want to remember even the worst things cause that is what makes up your wonderful lives.
    We miss you guys and we send you our prayres!
    We all love you!

  12. Don't really know what to say Chelle, but I do know somewhat how you feel. Mom and Dad are here visiting right now (and coupled with visits we made home last summer on our awesome trip) makes me feel even more like a nomad. I think I have always sought to find that perfect spot, that place where I can settle down (and maybe stop running as I've done since Randy died). I have itchy feet every couple of years, but don't really like living on the go. I lived in Walla Walla longer than anywhere I've ever been (though we changed houses a few times :o) Great things did happen there, and few not so great too. Overall though, I can say that grass on my side of the fence isn't any greener. Stac always tells me that "you take you wherever you go." It's true, but sometimes I feel like saying, "yeah, thanks Stac!" :o) You are so close in our hearts and prayers. Your kids are beautiful - you are doing a great job Chelle. Looking forward to seeing you guys again this year in July (looks like we will be in around the 17th of July - we'll firm up when we get closer).
    All our love,
    Will, Stacy and the boys.

  13. I for one am glad you still have this blog. I'd like to share this sacred place with my friend Lorie who just lost Todd 3 weeks ago to a GBM. I think she'll find the hope she's looking for here Shel. God bless you.

  14. Simply put, you and the kids are part of Walla Walla's tapestry...
    Sending a warm, tight hug your way.
    Becky Betts

  15. Michelle,
    I check your blog every day - hoping for an update...and never leaving you a note. Walla Walla does sound like an amazing place, but I understand about the idea of an escape being appealing. I too, live in an amazing place, but every corner is so filled with memories of Butch, it's agonizing at times. But thinking of living somewhere that doesn't have memories of him seems even worse. I think of you often, pray for you all. I hope that things have improved on all fronts. Kara, wife of Butch

    p.s. If you need it, I could drive up and give those folks that are giving you a hard time a good scare...haven't you heard that Southern Californians are terrible drivers? I could talk on my cell phone while driving 50 mph and give them all a close up view of the front of my car, while drinking a latte and applying lipstick! Just a thought.... ;)


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