Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Better



Breathe.
Breathe.

Listen to these lyrics...

Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?

I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
Like today never happened


It gets better eventually. It always does.

We learn to forgive each other. And eventually ourselves.

Kenny spent most of the evening curled in my lap. After he fell alseep, I spent the rest of the night figuring out how to clean up gross mop water mixed with cat litter on a garage floor. Let's just say it destroyed 2 dust pans, six towels, one mop, one pair of jeans and a pair of shoes. Don't even ask.

We're okay. Kate and Zach were both getting sick, that didn't help anything. They're feeling better now. Zach had a great game on Tuesday.

And I was so far ahead, pretty much done with my shopping after my annual Veteran's Day outing with Deb. I was feeling pretty smug. How is it that suddenly I'm so far behind? Bake pumpkin bread, make fudge, wrap last minute things, pack, arrange kennel for the dogs and caretaker for the cats and wrap up my old job and I feel like I've been chasing my tail all day. The good news is, all day I thought it was Thursday. So when Zach said, "Mooooom, it's WEDNESDAY!" I gained a whole day! Hooray!

A few pics:









I'm beginning to worry about Zach and his penchant for odd footwear. Note the Santa socks while he coaches. And the twin tube socks with ZachAttack2 during basketball. Your guess is as good as mine.














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"Dare You To Move"

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

[Chorus]
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

[Chorus]

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

Monday, December 17, 2007

Awful

Tonight was awful.
Just awful.

We had another weekend of basketball. Getting up at 5am to get to the tournament. We're so exhausted.

We did some shopping. I find myself spending money I don't have to get the kids things they want. I know it's wrong, but I sometimes find myself wanting to make up for their loss, wanting to do something to make them smile. I think it's backfiring, as it was bound to.

I looked around our house. It's a WRECK. I mean, really. Horrible. We have 2 big dogs, 2 cats, a kitten, 3 kids and me and too busy a schedule. And we forgot to take the garbage out on Sunday, so our can is still full and there's no place to put the garbage. Straw 1.

Zach stayed home sick today. I got a report from his math teacher. He's getting a C in a class he should easily get an A in...because of multiple missing assignments. But he told me his homework was done so he could go to see "I Am Legend." Straw 2.

I looked around the house. You can see every little thing that Kate has done for the last two days. She doesn't pick up a thing. She leaves a little trail behind her. She needed new jeans, she's outgrown the old ones. But I look in her room and you can't even see the floor because of all the clothes scattered everywhere. Straw 3.

The dogs ate our tree. And several ornaments. And a basket. And drug the garbage all over the kitchen. And the dining room. And the living room. And the family room downstairs. Straw 4.

So I ask Kenny to unload the dishwasher. He cops an attitude with me. STRAW 5.

Enough straws. I blew up. I mean really. I told Kenny he was selfish. I told them all they were unhelpful and inconsiderate. I told them they were spoiled. I told Zach he'd never get a scholarship with C's and did he think I was going to be able to pay for college? And I told them that I asked for very little of them and I resented that they watched tv, revamped their MySpace pages and played Madden 08 for hours but couldn't seem to find time to unload the damn dishwasher, pick up their socks, feed the dogs or do their homework. Then I left to go to the store. Slamming the door on the way out. Saying something along the lines of, "We'll see how you do without me."

Sigh. Who told me I could do this? Obviously, today I can't. I just can't stand it any more. I can't stop crying. And I can't get past feeling "Why us?" and knowing that it would be different if Dave were here, and being so resentful that it's so unfair, so wrong and there isn't a single thing I can do that will make anything right again.

I'm just empty and tired, and there isn't anyone in my corner. No-one to back me up. Or take over for a while. Or just to be there.

So, while I was at Safeway picking up prescriptions and replacing the cheese Kate left out and the light bulb the dog ate, Zach punched the wall. And locked Kenny in the garage. And Kenny proceeded to destroy everything in the garage. And Kate got scared and called Tami, who brought McKenzie and came over to try to calm everything down. Thanks for being there, Tami and McKenzie, when I simply couldn't. I'm sorry. And embarrassed.

I just want to go to bed and sleep for a week and wake up to things like they used to be.

Not that there aren't some good things now. There are.

Zach did bake McKenzie a cake. She helped. Their first attempt turned out flat as a pancake (well, almost). But eventually he got it right and wrote her name on it and put candles on it and took it to her house.

And he also baked cupcakes for Kate's team. With their jersey numbers on them.

And Kenny bought Zach a WSU Santa hat. It's very cool.

And Kate and two of her friends bought these dumb purple hats that they were wearing all weekend. They were so cute.

And going with basketball friends to Starbucks and iHop and Red Robin.

Oh...and the laundry is caught up.

And the carpets are vacuumed.

Trying to breathe. Tomorrow is another day, right?

I'm not sure if that's good or bad. And I won't say it can't get worse, because it always can, but maybe it will be better. Zach has a game, and it's at home. That should be good, right?


Monday, December 10, 2007

Snow and Basketball




That's what we did this weekend.

Zach had a couple of games this week. His team is undefeated. He's having a lot of fun, although he sat out most of the last game because of foul trouble. He thinks he broke his finger at practice tonight. If you remember last year, his basketball season was cut short because he slammed his finger in a car door and the doc had to stitch it all back together. Tonight he refused to go to the ER for x-rays. He thinks it's "fine." Sigh. PS. Buy stock in Ace bandages or athletic tape is my advice.

Kate had a tournament in Richland this weekend. It was a lot of fun. They didn't dominate like they did the last tournament. In fact, they looked a little sleepy in a couple of the games, but by the end, they turned it on. Zach is helping coach the team. He calls them "my girls." It's very sweet. I love to watch Kate come off the court, looking for Zach, him putting his hand on her shoulder, talking to her earnestly about something she needs to do. It's the kind of thing that you want for your children...for them to grow up caring for and respecting each other. Almost makes you forget he threw a bagel at her head on the way in the car, you know?

The driving there and back was not, I repeat NOT, fun. Snow all over the place. Millions of cars in ditches. And a couple of horrible wrecks. One where we had to wait in a long line of cars and missed most of Zach's game. But we were grateful for the delay, because it meant that we weren't the ones being life-flighted by the helicopters. It was truly gut-wrenching to see the remains of those cars. I clenched my jaw the whole way and it's now killing me. And when I told Zach I was sorry we only saw the last few minutes of his game, he said, "I'm not. I'm just grateful God made you late so you weren't IN that wreck." Another teary mom moment.

Like watching Kenny cheer Kate on. And taking her team's loss to heart.

And seeing Kate and Zach tenderly bandage Duke's paw. Something entirely magical about that dog. If I believed in reincarnation, I'd think he was Dave. Truly. I know. No, I'm not crazy. Nu-uh.

And watching Koda hold down the kitten and chew on its head as it purrs contentedly. What a hoot!

And watching Scott's eyes as he talked about seeing Zach step onto the basketball court, looking so much like Dave, with the same bounce in his step.

And watching Kate...lovely and so confident...playing the clarinet and the snare drum in the band recital.

And listening to Zach talk his friend, McKenzie, into getting up at 5:00 am to go to the girls' early game. And promising her a coffee. And to bake her a birthday cake.

And Kenny...unloading the dishwasher without reminders.

And Zach putting out the garbage and scraping the windows for me, all his idea.

Zach wearing Dave's shirt and tie on game day.

Will, joining our family to cut down a tree, in the cold wind and mud. Somehow it just feels right to have him along.

Zach, hiding in the car while we cut the tree. What a whimp! (Wimp? How DO you spell that?) And Kenny and Kate agreeing on a tree right away so they could get in the car, too. Hmph! You'd think they were sugarcubes about to melt! Pioneer woman chops down tree and drags it home single-handedly. Almost. Okay. My teeth were chattering, too.

Decorating the tree. Finding McIllvaigh Man and Patrick from Spongebob, hanging them right together. I'll have to tell you that story again when the pictures get back.

There are a lot of moments, each one with a story of its own. Gotta hit the hay and take a pain med for my jaw, but I hope to post more later. For now, pics...but no pictures of the band concert or tree decorating yet...I accidentally grabbed my 35mm camera that day. You know, the one that uses FILM????? Now I have to go to RiteAid to get it developed. I know. I know.












Sunday, December 02, 2007

Slide Show

It's taken two years, but finally figured out how to get the slide show from Dave's memorial service on here. It's low-resolution, so some pics are kind of blurry, but better than nothing. And thanks again, again and again to Jeffrey Towsend.>