Thursday, February 26, 2009


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I always kind of look forward to February.
There's President's Day. Nice to have a day at home.
January is over. (Nuff said)
And of course, there's Valentine's Day.
I know, it's a Hallmark thing. Designed to make you spend money.
But I really like the idea of a day to tell people you love them.
Especially in the middle of February.
When it's cold and bleak.
And the fun of the holidays are over and spring seems so far away.

And my Valentine angel was there again this year.

I have no idea who sends me a rose every year.
The card always mentions Dave.
I have a few suspects in mind, but no-one will admit to being the one who sends it. It always makes me cry. And I always bring home that lovely, fragrant rose and put it next to the golden rose that Dave bought me the last Valentine's Day he was here. And I smile. And cry a little. And mostly I'm thankful for the great love I had. Life with Dave was certainly a love story. A great adventure. And although it ended far too soon, I know that I am one of the lucky ones. Many people have never been loved like that. I treasure the memory every day. Thanks to my Valentine friend for always remembering.

And February also brings, well, more basketball.
Lots more basketball.

The Walla Walla Shoot Out. Girls took second.

The Wenatchee tournament. Girls lost in the semifinals in overtime to take third.

Very impressive.

In the meantime,
it all just continues.
(Did I tell you I'm on laundry strike?)
Feeding dogs.
Feeding cats.
Feeding kids.

We got Zach's car fixed. Cost almost as much as buying the darn thing in the first place. But I'm glad to have another driver.

It SNOWED here today.
Didn't stick too much, but enough to make everything all white again.

I'm ready for spring.
Although we still have a broken window from LAST spring.
And the dogs are already getting out of the fence and running the neighborhood.

Baseball starts a week from Monday!

Red - Never Be The Same
From the album Innocence & Instinct

I know You
Who are You now
Look into my eyes
If You can't remember
Do You remember
I can see, I can still find
You're the only voice my heart can recognize
But I can't hear You now, yeah

I'll never be the same
I'm caught inside the memories
The promises
Our yesterdays
When I belonged to You
I just can't walk away
'Cause after loving You
I can never be the same

And how can I pretend I never knew You
Like it was all a dream, no
I know I'll never forget
The way I always felt with You beside me
And how You loved me then, yeah

You led me here
But then I watched You disappear
You left this emptiness inside
And I can't turn back time
No, stay
Nothing compares to You
Nothing compares to You
I can't let You go
Can't let You go
I can't let You...


I'll never be the same
I'm caught inside the memories
The promises
Our yesterdays
When I belonged to You
I just can't walk away
'Cause after loving You
I can never be the same
I can never be the same


I just can't walk away
No, I can't walk away, from You

Sunday, February 01, 2009

AWOL again

Hello all,
So sorry for the long absence. I really do have a good excuse. Not just Facebook & Pet Society. Although that's been part of the problem! lol Here's a pic of my pet, Tuffy:

Okay. Here's what happened. It snowed here. A ton. Kate had a friend over spending the night and she stayed for 4 days because there wasn't really any way to get her home. Which is probably a mile away. And I drive a Suburban with really good tires. I still wasn't going anywhere! It was a mess. We were really buried. It was kind of fun, though. Like hibernating almost. I had gone to Walmart and REALLY stocked up. So we had lots of food and just hung out doing nothing and staying warm. Some sledding, but mostly just snuggling in.

It also meant that my sister & her family and mom and dad couldn't get here for Christmas. We spent the day with Dave's family and it was wonderful. But it was really, really hard not to see my family. My kids thought it wasn't really Christmas without their cousins. They did come over for New Year's and we did a mini-Christmas then.

After Kenny's seizure, the docs decided we needed to do some tests (they all came out okay, btw). Well, the first one was a sleep-deprived EEG. That was the last time I blogged. I wrote in the blog, updated the look, uploaded and edited a million pictures. Staying up all night was pretty easy. It was for Kenny, too. He played x-box and then would go run outside in the snow with the dogs then come in and watch a movie. (That would put me to sleep, but he stays awake and engaged the whole time.) I fell asleep on the couch about 6:00 am and Kenny woke me because I was snoring! He fell asleep for a few minutes while I was in the shower at 7:00. But other than that, we did fine. Went to the hospital and they hooked him all up to the EEG machine. 20 some electrodes fastened to his head. I'm gonna try to post a pic. Went through the testing, got home about noon. Kenny dozed during the EEG, so he wasn't tired. I was surprisingly awake, too. Then that evening came. Thought we'd go to bed. We were up LATE. Actually, into early the next morning. I think it was that "too tired to fall asleep" that little ones get sometimes. Just could not slow down and fall asleep.

So, the snow dumped. We had no where to go and nothing to do. So we became nocturnal. We were up until at least 3:00 am every night and sleeping half the day away. Kate and Zach were all off-kilter, too, but not as bad as Kenny and I.

So, we started drifting toward a more normal schedule. And then the MRI. Went to the hospital at noon. Somewhere around 1:00, they sedated Kenny. He was groggy all evening after that. Well...until bedtime. Here we go again.

The first week back to school was BRUTAL! So I've not really been able to do much that took any brain power for quite some time.

The good news is that the tests were all okay. What does that mean? Well, it could mean that the seizure was just a fluke thing and is unlikely to happen again. That's what we're hoping for. So far, Kenny's been just fine since.

Zach's been run-down, coughing a lot for weeks it seems. He has baseball at 6:30 am every day, that's not helping. Ran a high fever the other day. Into the doc. Strep test negative. Three days later they call, strep test positive. Sheesh. He's on penicillin now. He's not playing basketball and I really miss it. He, however, does not. He's perfectly happy.

So, some of the other events. Kate's basketball team has been playing and playing well. They took the championship in Pendleton two weeks ago and came in second in the Richland tourney last week. They have this weekend off. She's been running like crazy with AAU practice and school practice. Playing on two teams at one time is tough! It even meant we kind of missed her birthday, since we were at a tournament. We finally celebrated last night. She had a bunch of her friends over to spend the night and we had cake and ice cream and pizza and lots of noise and giggles and makeup and texting boys. Very fun.

I now officially have three teenagers. Lucky me. And I do mean that. With no sarcasm. I am very blessed to have these three people in my life.

It's funny the things that make me miss Dave. Was standing at the soda machine the other day, with a crumpled old dollar bill. Trying to make it go in the machine. The machine kept spitting it back out at me. Over and over. Do any of you remember that Dave could make any machine take any dollar? He had the touch. He used to do this thing where he folded it and unfolded it just right, then held it curved at just the right angle and sent it into the machine with this grand flourish. And the machine would take it. Every time. Stood there looking at the Dr. Pepper I couldn't have, and didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

And being at the dentist and actually liking it, because as she drilled my tooth, she was touching my face. The loneliness is unfathomable.

I have those little moments every day. Seems like they come often in the winter. December and January are really hard months. Here are some days:

December 23: the day of the infamous wreck and the discovery of the tumor
Christmas of course
December 28 Dave's birthday
December 29 Mindy's birthday (always celebrated w/Dave's - she still doesn't do cake - only cupcakes)
December 30 Doug's birthday
January 2 Kyle's birthday (he would be 20!!!)
January 6 Dave's first surgery
January 16 Kate's birthday
January 18 Dave's third surgery
January 27 Kyle's death
January 31 Kyle's funeral I went underground a bit. Wallowed a little. Escaped to the utopia that is Pet Society. And made it through. The sun peeked out a little yesterday...felt a little like a metaphor for me...been encased in ice, brittle and cold, now thawing a little, looking forward to spring.

And for those of you without Facebook, I'm on there a lot, you can join and keep up with me there, too. (PETE THOMAS & CATHY BERES THIS MEANS YOU!) I'm going to post one of the responses to one of the little games that goes around there that I posted on FB today.

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

[To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.]

1. I second-guess myself all the time.
2. Grief is my daily companion.
3. I hate it when people say, "You're so strong. I don't know how you do it." Sounds like shorthand for "Gee, Michelle. Your life sucks."
4. As a child, if I came home and couldn't immediately find my mom, I would panic. Not because I was afraid of being abandoned, but because I was afraid something might have happened to her when I wasn't there...I really believed that I could control the world.
5. My sister is my best friend.
6. Dave and I didn't plan on having any children.
7. I still am arrogant enough to believe that I know better than God. Even when I know how insane that is, I still actually think it.
8. I wonder what Kyle would look like, what kind of person he'd be, on a daily basis.
9. I hold grudges.
10. I HATE it when people complain about their husbands. I would give anything to have Dave here doing annoying little things.
11. I adore my children. Really, really, really. They are the best people I know.
12. I sometimes think that Duke is Dave reincarnated.
13. I worry about what people think way too much.
14. I like to sleep. And read. Those two things are the only hobbies I actually have.
15. I am impatient with people who think slower than I do. Actually, I'm impatient period.
16. My life would be meaningless without coffee.
17. I am not afraid of real emotions, no matter how strong.
18. I'm not an easy person to be in a relationship with.
19. There is so much I don't know. I'm amazed at the depth of my ignorance. Every time I learn something new, I discover that there is even more to learn...things I didn't even know I didn't know. And I want to learn it all.
20. Did I say I'm impatient? All the time. About everything. Except with children. Somehow there, I can slow down and watch and appreciate that gentle unfolding.
21. I wonder if Doug is with Dave.
22. I still have flashbacks. Kyle. Dave. Doug. Kenny.
23. Doing CPR on your child is the worst. I have done CPR on two of my four children.
24. My faith is strong enough to survive questioning, rage and sorrow.
25. I hate: brain tumors, autism and heart defects.
26. My life is still filled with joy. A broken heart is not always an empty heart. Mine is filled with wonderful happy moments.
27. Is my favorite number. My first job was at an ice cream place called 32 Flavors, but there were really only 27. I ate ice cream every day. And now I don't like ice cream. I do, however, like white cake. A lot.
28. I wish I had enough money to fly to California, Chicago and Columbus as often as I wanted to. (What is it with C's? Cath, Cheri...Pete, you gotta change your name. lol)
29. I'm an over-achiever so I had to do more than 25. I also talk a lot.
30. I am so grateful to all the people who have helped us along the way. Whitman students who worked with Kenny, our church, district staff, people who helped with meals, people who prayed for us....there are so many.
31. Time does not heal. Still, every day, in every way, Dave is a part of every breath I take. My soul aches without him in a way that words cannot adequately describe. Coping with the hole he left in my heart and my world does not get easier. It does get different. But not easier.

Resisting the urge to go back and edit this........