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Showing posts from February, 2016

Different Loves 4A

I wrote Chapter 5.
It won't be published here.
It's the last chapter.

But I also realize that there are many more
Loves that are important.
And today, Doug haunts me
From the grave.
This is a story of love lost.

He's Chapter 4A.
Not because he doesn't
Qualify for or deserve
A chapter of his own,
But because, in so many ways,
He was part of Dave
And me.

I already told you the storyof how I met him.
(if you don't know it, click "story" to read)
Dancing in the cellar at UPS.
How I was entranced,
By him,
His energy.
How in that hot room,
With music pulsing, pounding,
He pulled me into his arms,
And pressed against his chest,
I breathed him in,
Cool, bracing, cinnamon and smoke.
Like the air had too much oxygen,
Dizzying and clarifying
All at once.

Once you experienced Doug,
His intensity,
You never forgot it.

I told you the story of his death.
Dave holding on,
Doug letting go.
The horrible irony.
I don't think I told you
How his death,
Even mor…

Different Loves 4

Then there are epic loves.
The loves that last a lifetime.
Not just happily ever after.
But loves that stay
For better,
For worse.

Of course,
I mean Dave.

I've written so much of this story
Here on this blog.
I struggle with what to say.

Should I tell about
The first time I met Dave?
The first night we talked?
The first time we fought?
When I finally knew I loved him?
The million moments that made him special?
Or how he died
Leaving me in a world
That no longer made sense?

All of these are part of
That love.
The love that for 20 years
Not only changed my life,
But WAS my life.

Maybe that's the thing
About epic love.
It's so much a part
Of the fabric of
Your being,
That it becomes impossible
To separate it,
To isolate it,
To put it into words.

How do I explain that
He was the very air
I breathed?

It wasn't always so.
I first met Dave
When I was on a date with Doug.
Doug and I had been out dancing.
Crimson and clover.
We were back in his room
Playing backgammon
And in ca…

Different Loves 3

Sometimes love is pure joy.
Sometimes it comes from the most
Unexpected places.
And stays.
Keeping us warm
When the world is cold.

This story is of such a love.
A love that existed outside
Real life.

The kind of love
You put in your pocket.
And take out to hold
When self-doubt
Creeps in.

It was raining.
Football season in Kelso.
The crowd yelling,
The crash of helmets,
The shrill whistles of the refs.
Friday Night Lights.
All the best of
Small town life.

Blue and gold,
Me with my pom poms,

I looked up into the crowd.
There he was.
He had a smile that
Reached his eyes.
I could feel that smile
From 100 yards away.
What caused that smile?
Could it be for me?

He threw back his head
And laughed.
His arm slung easily
Around the shoulder of
His friend.
His eyes crinkled.
His mouth open,
White teeth showing.
Pure joy.
Pure delight.
Not a shred of

His friend waved crazily.
I laughed,
Smiled at them.
And then he smiled.
At m…

Different Loves 2

Some loves that come into our lives
Teach us something.  About love, about life, About ourselves. 
Some loves that we strive To keep  Are lost. 
Sometimes the love is right But the time is wrong.  Sometimes pain between Two people Cannot be overcome No matter how strong the love. 
Some loves are tinged with regret.

I had a love like that.  So did you, I imagine.  A love that makes you wonder, "If things had been different..."
I loved a man once.  I first saw him looking out a window On the second floor.  I was moving in.  Boxes in my arms. He leaned out the window and said, "Are you coming here?"
I squinted up at him, through September sun.  I said simply, "Yes."
And he smiled. 
"Wait," he said. "Please wait." And I did. 
He came rushing out the door. He must have taken the steps  Two at a time.

He stood in front of me, And reached to take the boxes.  His hand brushed mine.

He held the boxes under one arm
Leaned in Until his face was n…

Different Loves

I really believe that in this life,
there are many loves that will come your way.

Some are family.
A mom's touch, a dad's guidance, a sister's phone call.
A daughter's laugh, a son's tears.
These are all bits of love
rained into our lives.

Some are friends.
Those who listen, those who call bullshit,
those who sit with you when your heart is breaking wide open.
Those who stay, when everyone else leaves,
to help you pick up the pieces.
And make you laugh,
when you thought you never would again.
This is love, too.

It comes our way, every day,
in a million different ways,
different shapes and sizes.

Even romantic love.
There are loves that last a minute.
And loves that last a lifetime.

We must learn to welcome each love,
every love,
and accept it for what it is meant to be.

How can love last only a minute?
I'll tell you.

One day in Tacoma,
I took my Bobcat to the gas station.
I was about 20 years old.
I fitted the nozzle into the tank
and began fueling.

I looked up…