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Showing posts from September, 2005

A Month

Sunday, September 25, 2005 11:49 AM CDT

A month. It's been a month. Has it really been a month? Can it have only been a month?

Some days are so hard. I read my last entry...."I couldn't do this without you." And I think, "Am I really doing this?" The answer is no, not really. I look like I'm doing this. I'm doing what needs to be done. But I don't really feel here.

The numbness, this self-protective shell is all encompassing, it infiltrates everything. I remember it so well. When Kyle died. When Kenny was diagnosed with autism. I remember shortly after that, holding Zach at his first birthday, smiling and clapping and helping him open presents and blow out candles. In the pictures, in the video, I look like any other mommy. I remember feeling dead inside, wondering if I would ever, ever feel anything that resembled "happy" again.

But you do, you find your way back. I work with toddlers. I watch them learn to walk. They fall and they cry an…

Mom's Camp Out

Monday, September 19, 2005 11:59 PM CDT

Moms Camp Out

Lisa, Mimi and I took the kids, well except Zach and Drew, who had a b-day party to go to and were chicken to camp with the moms!....we went just for overnight. We had a wonderful time, the kids splashed in the water, we sat around the campfire, we slept on tree roots that worked their way through air matresses. The weather was perfect and the dirty eggs were the best food I've tasted in a long time.

Arrival was sketchy. We went to Fishhook...closed. We went to Charbonneau...full. Finally, we found a space at Hood Park. Whew. Thought we were going to have to go back to all the guys who weren't sure we could pitch our own tents with a failed mission. We pulled into the campsite, beautiful, right on the water. Moms unloaded gear, kids ran to the water. Moments later, Kate and Allie come running up the hill. "Mom, look at this rock!" I'm thinking, "Seen one rock, seen 'em all." So I glance over and …

Ashes

Saturday, September 10, 2005 8:45 PM CDT

Yesterday, Alex came to visit. I found out that Dave's ashes were ready to pick up. Alex said, "Are you going alone? You can't go alone." So we talked for a while, and she agreed to go with me. I'm so grateful, the experience was so surreal. I know I would have felt so empty to be in that place by myself. Instead, I had Alex, keeping me grounded, keeping me sane, reminding me I wasn't alone.

We picked up the wooden box, surprisingly heavy, with a little clink...the fish symbol Dave always wore. The box is lighter wood with an inlaid cross of darker wood. The box is smooth and simple. Alex and I found ourselves touching it, stroking the surface. It was somehow irresistible. Warm and comforting and beautiful, kind of like Dave himself.

Alex and I talked about ashes, and what you do with them. She talked about her Dad. I felt so unready to decide, and Alex helped me see that it was okay to take my time. After hearing her, I …

More

Friday, September 9, 2005 10:31 AM CDT

Taking Zach to school this morning. On the radio:

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine and you shine for me, too
I love you
Yesterday
And today
And tomorrow
I'll say it again and again
I love you more
I love you more

Zach singing along. Tears on my face. I miss him so.

Hi Dave

Tuesday, September 6, 2005 7:36 PM CDT

I find it hard to write now. There seems to be nothing to tell. People ask me how I'm doing, what I need. The only thing I need no-one can give, so I say, "I'm doing all right." Am I? Hard to know. Just working through the days as they come.

Small Dave story....I went to see Elaine at the payroll office and discovered that Dave had taken out a voluntary life insurance policy that I didn't know about. It was a real blessing, as the amount of the policy nearly covers the debt accrued through cancer/autism these past few years. It means that we should be able to keep our house. Sigh of relief. That's not the real Dave part, though. After leaving the district office, I ran into the mini-mart to get a soda. On the radio:

You know our love was meant to be
The kind of love that lasts forever
And I need you here with me
From tonight until the end of time

You should know, everywhere I go
You're always on my mind,
in my heart In my sou…

Memorial Service

Thursday, September 1, 2005 0:21 AM CDT

Dave's Memorial Service

A beautiful day, sunny, clear and not too hot. 1600 gather, wearing clothes bright with blue, purple, Hawaiian flowers and Disneyland characters. They are here to say goodbye. The only clouds are inside.

There are beautiful flowers everywhere, pictures of Dave, a Wa-Hi football jersey and helmet, high school trophies and his beloved guitar, the only object that meant anything to Dave, looking lonely on stage.

Bob and Judy, on their anniversary, grieving, sad, welcoming friends and family.

Shane, Jeffrey & Patrice play beautiful music, some of Dave's favorite songs.

The football coaches, resplendent in Wa-Hi royal and white, come in from the field, tan and tall, smelling of the sun and fresh grass crushed under cleats. They are warm when I hug them, they feel strong. They feel like Dave.

We gather in the family room, but after praying with Robin, Denise and I can't stay there, we sneak to the back of the sanctuary…