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August Blog Challenge - Day 13

Name 5 weaknesses you have.

So  is this like the job interview question, where you name a weakness that is really a strength?  Or is this like the fearless and searching moral inventory in AA where you truly list your character flaws? I suppose we are all self-deluded enough that it will be a little of both.

1. Weak-willed.  I lack self-discipline.  I lack follow-through.  I intend to do a lot of really great things and find that I rarely follow up on them.  I plan to do something like exercise or clean house or eat right and then I find a reason not to.  I think I will call that friend or write that note, and then I don't. And I make excuses for it.  Mostly to myself.  I lie to myself very well.

2. Arrogance. I think I'm right.  All the time.  Hell, I'm arrogant enough to think I know better than God.  I'm hard-headed and have difficulty changing my mind or backing down. I give lip service to not knowing things.  But inside my head, I'm pressing my lips into a thin line and shaking my head, because I think I do.  I value being open-minded.  I talk a lot about not judging others.  But it's an uphill battle for me.  I get stuck.  Defensive, defending my belief, married to my bias. I call it adhering to my principles, standing up for what I believe in.  And I guess there is an element of that, but often, it's pure stubbornness.

3. Grudges.  I am unforgiving.  There's a thing called the INFJ door slam.  I do that.  I know it's wrong.  I know it goes against the principles I say I believe in. I do believe in boundaries.  It's okay to remove things or people from your life that hurt or drain you. It's not that. And I'm good at repair in relationships, that day-to-day understanding that we're all human. We all make mistakes and hurt or disappoint each other.  But there's a line.  And when someone crosses it, I shut down and shut out.  So far, so good.   Except when resentment eats you from the inside out.  There's that old adage that "holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."  I do that.  I do it to myself, too.  I replay things I said or did that upset people, over and over and over.

4. Indulging. I don't say no very well.  Partially related to number one.  But there's that whole "live like you're dying" thing.  Well, if you only live like you're dying, that means you haven't planned very well for tomorrow.  And I actually have a sense of entitlement about it.  That whole, "well, I've paid my dues, I deserve it."  Especially in respect to my children. I've said yes many times I should have said no. It comes from a feeling that they've endured enough. I can't bring your dad back, but I can give you those shoes or that trip or that iPod or whatever. It's short-sighted and destructive, but I still find myself giving in, over and over.  See #1 about lying to myself.

5. Overthinking. There are two reasons behind this.  Fear and control,  Wait. Those are one and the same.  The need for control, the need to know...this comes from fear.  Fear on so many different levels.  Sometimes the fear is insecurity.  I tend to worry, To analyze. I need a lot of reassurance. Sometimes the fear is bigger than that. It's a fear of losing control, of losing something important, of having to survive the after yet again. The analyzing and thinking is self-protective, preparing myself for the worst all the time.  And that can get in the way of enjoying the good things in my life.

6. Intensity.  This is one that can go either way.  I'm an intuitive empath.  I feel things deeply.  My own emotions and those of other people. This can be a gift. It allows authentic connection with the people in my life.  It helps me be a good therapist.  But it is also annoying as hell.  I can't let anything just be.  I can't relax.  And ironically, considering #5, it means I don't think things through very well. I operate on an emotional basis.  And this isn't always the best foundation for sound decisions. It means I get hurt, and hurt others, unnecessarily. If I love you, you'll know it.  But it can be exhausting.

7.  Impatience.  Heavens.  I'm impatient.  I don't like to wait.  I remember when we used sign language with Kenny and I would signal "wait" and he would have this physical, visceral reaction to that sign. I get it. I don't like surprises. I want to know everything, and I want to know it now. This is connected to control and fear again.  I want things settled, peaceful, solid.  I want a crystal ball.  I find myself doing stupid little things trying to figure out the future.  Like  my own little version of Magic 8 Ball.  "The answer is no."  "Try again later." This has again, an element of self-protection. If I'm gonna get hurt, let's just bail now. That "one day at a time" thing?  I suck at it.  It's the journey, not the destination?  Bullshit.  Where the hell am I going and when am I going to get there?  I guess this is why I hate to be lost.  Google Maps is the best invention EVER.  EVER.

8. Serious.  Too serious,  Everything is serious.  Beyond just feeling like things or people matter.  To the point of losing all perspective.  To the point of having almost no sense of humor. To the point of being unable to enjoy or even have a cocktail party conversation.  Yeah.  I'm just a bundle of fun and joy.  Not.

I'd like to say I'm working on it.  But due to being weak-willed, arrogant and impatient, I'm probably not.


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