Some days...

...are harder than others.
Yesterday was hard.

The Blue Devils lost a tough one.
What can a mom say to a disappointed football player?
That's a dad's job.

Kate is almost done with volleyball. She starts basketball soon.
Dave would love to see Kate play now. He always said, "Kate will be my bball player!"

Fighting with SSA.
Fighting with DDD.
Decisions for Kenny's IEP.
Filling out the SIB-R.
Deciding about DVR.
Drowning in alphabet soup.
Alone.

Some days,
I feel proud.
Seeing the kids' grade reports.
Hearing how great their teachers think they are.
Seeing finished shop projects.
Watching games.
Seeing a full refrigerator,
a full gas tank,
squeaking out enough money to pay the bills,
mostly on time.

And I think,
Okay.
Okay.
I'm doing this.
Keep breathing,
keep breathing.

And some days,
the wave comes back.
Knocks me to the ground.
And I can't breathe.

Sometimes the wrongness of it all
just engulfs me.

In this week alone.

Milestone moments.
Choosing a senior picture for the yearbook.
Ordering cap and gown.
Court orders.
A big play.

And everyday moments.
Watching Zach make sure Kenny fastens his seat belt before he drives off.
Checking Kate's forehead for fever when she's sick.
Helping Kenny adjust football pads.
Hearing their ideas about the election.
Zach snuggling Maverick.
Kate figuring out algebra equations.
Kenny worrying about his friend joining the military.

How is it that Dave is not here?
Mostly I only touch the edges of that idea.
Mostly I only let myself think about that minute.
I think, "He's not here right now."
But sometimes the idea
"He's not ever here. Not ever again."
skitters across my mind,
and suffocates my heart,
my lungs seize up,
and my souls screams.

And in those moments,
it's as hard as it's ever been.
Harder.

People think the worst day was when Dave died.
There are two days even worse.

The day in February,
when he didn't say
"We'll beat it."
When my heart knew.

And the day,
in the winterscape after Dave died,
when I truly let myself know
that he wasn't coming back.

And sometimes that knowledge
is just too heavy to carry anymore.
And it crushes me to the ground.

So I go day by day.
Step by step.
Breath by breath.

Still breathing.
Still aching.


A few pics of Kenny's birthday:









And Drew L got hurt during the game against Hanford. He is a really incredible kid. So, the first game he couldn't play, Spencer H wore his number, just to let him know that he was still a huge part of the team. In last week's game, all the guys wore #32 stickers. These players are amazing.



And last, I'll leave you with a card that I found that Dave made for me Mother's Day 1994. I have many of these. They make me smile. And make me cry.







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See why I miss him so?
Sigh.
How in the world do I get used to being without him?

PS. For those of you that said they missed the letter to the editor, here it is:

WA-HI STUDENTS ARE AWESOME

This is my third letter to the editor. The first was about teenagers giving up their Friday afternoons so Kenny could play baseball when he was 8 years old. The second was during Kenny's sophomore (paper said freshman, but it was sophomore) year when his football teammates elected him "Most Inspirational."

And now, once again, the students of Wa-Hi have shown themselves to be caring kind and generous at heart, and I was to publicly acknowledge and praise them.

Why is this so special?

You see, Kenny battles autism every day. In spite of his struggles, he's a cheerful, firendly, goofy caring and incredibly brave guy. Often silly and always honest, he loves the Blue Devils. He adores his school and his friends.

It's awe-inspiring the way the students have embraced Kenny. In times when we often hear about kids who are "different" being excluded or hurt, here is Kenny, who cannot wait to get to school and football practice every day. We have been blessed.

And Friday night, Kenny was elected Homecoming King. I watched him with beautiful Queen Mia, face aglow, arm lifted to the sky, beaming with joy. Wa-Hi students knew how much this would mean to Kenny. It was a dream come true because his dad, the late Dave Meyer, was homecoming king in 1980. And now Kenny gets to wear that crown.

I can never adequately express how grateful I am to the students at Wa-Hi for their kindness. They restore my faith and my hope. They are the ones who will change our world for the better. In truth, they already have. Michelle Meyer