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Three years

The beauty of the world has
two edges, one of laughter,
one of anguish, cutting the
heart asunder.
--Virginia Woolf

I feel often that my world is in two pieces.
The joy and the sorrow.
The before and the after.
The part you see and the part I hide.

It has been three years without Dave.
I have nothing new to say about that.
It is as it always was.

A stretch of lonely forever that has no end.
And at the same time,
the blink of an eye.

Dreams die hard and you hold them in your hands long after they've turned to dust.
-- Dragonheart.

And so I do.
Hold those dreams.
Hold this dust.

Coming home from Chicago,
I couldn't wait to get home.

To tell Dave all about it.
There was a part of me
that really believed,
really believed,
that he would be there,
waiting for us,
ready to hear the stories,
smiling, laughing.

And the emptiness of our house
turned my heart to dust.
I was so sure,
so sure.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.--Kahlil Gibran

I sit under a weeping willow often.
The long fronds sweep the ground,
creating a new world
under its umbrella.
I sit in my Haroldson chair.

I think.
I do weep.
I delight.

But mostly I argue.

The Shack touched me deeply,
because the grieving father
who was so angry with God
is so like me.

I don't doubt His presence.
Or His love.
Or His power.
Or even His wisdom
most of the time.

I just think He was wrong.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
-- Unknown.

And that would be me.
I still think I know better.

There is an image in The Shack
of the man
working with
the Holy Spirit
this ugly,
overgrown place
in a garden.
The work is hard.
The thorns sting.
He bleeds.

And of course,
it turns out,
he's helping the
Holy Spirit
prepare his own heart.

To love again,
to forgive.

I think about that a lot.

“The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy.”--Jim Rohn

And I know that by living with
this sadness,
I am also able to keep
the joy,
the joy that was Dave.
I can no longer have
one without
the other.

I have said many times that grief
is but a mirror,
a reflection.
The depth of our grief
is matched by the
depth of our love.

But we should not be afraid to love,
or to love again,
just because we might
experience pain,
pain again.

“One cannot be deeply responsive to the world without being saddened very often.”--Erich Fromm

And that's what Dave brought.
His absolute joy
at being alive,
his complete fearlessness
in love,
his way of giving his all,
every time.

Whether he was saying hello
or goodbye,
giving a hug
or telling a story.
In love and in life,
was 100%
all the time.

Unafraid of the future,
of being hurt,
of being a fool.

Knowing that regret
over inaction
out of fear,
is hardest to live with,
he would choose to
and give
the big hug,
the shining smile,
the heartfelt song.

God will not look you over for medals, degrees, or diplomas, but for scars.--Elbert Hubbard.

And sometimes,
we get hurt.
Or rejected.
Or feel foolish.

And even when we don't,
we risk loss and

We are scarred
in this life.

I am scarred.

But I live.
And love.

And explore the journey
that is this life,
what is left to me,
for now.

I am not home yet.
There is much for me to do here.

Not Home Yet lyrics

To all the travelers
Pilgrims longing for a home
From one who walks with you
On the journey called life's road
It is a long and winding road
From one who's seen the view
And dreams of staying on the mountain high
And one one who's cried like you
Wanting to much just to lay down and die
I offer this, we must remember this
We are not home yet
We are not home yet
Keep on looking ahead
Let your heart not forget
We are not home yet
Not home yet
So close your eyes with me
And hear the Father saying "welcome home"
Let us find the strength
In all His promises to carry on
He said, "I go prepare a place for you"
So let us not forget
We are not home yet
We are not home yet
Keep on looking ahead
Let your heart not forget
We are not home yet
Not home yet
I know there'll be a moment
I know there'll be a place
Where we will see our Saviour
And full in His embrace
So let us not grow weary
Or too content to stay
Cause we are not home yet
We are not home yet
Not home yet
So let us journey on
We are not home yet
We are not home yet
So keep on looking ahead
Let your heart not forget
We are not home yet

Not home yet

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  1. When love is strong and runs deep, it pulsates with an energy theat cannot be stopped, not even by death's grip. When two souls are connected and one departs from this world, the separation may seem final, but in truth the relationship transcends time. Love, like a river, flows eternal, and it embraces all those who swim in its streams.
    --quote from Small Miracles by Halberstam & Leventhal

    Chelle, I don't have the right words to say but know I love, care and pray for you.

  2. It is three years. But then agian how can it be.
    Dave did give 100% of himself. And still today I cannot find another man like the way he was. What a friend, a leader, a man of GOD.

    When Ben was going to have his kidney surgery, we were rounding the corner into walla walla from the freeway and he just started smiling. He was so scared but he said "I am happy" I asked "why are you happy Ben" because I am going to see GOD someday", " and grandma Kirkwood and Grandpa Huwe and Dave" and I said "yes, that will be a good day."

    But until then we wait.
    But we still must live, and i can't imagine how hard that must be at times.
    My heart goes out to you, today especially.
    Thinking of you. Sherri

  3. Hi Meyer family ... just reminding you that someone in Auburn, California loves you ... and we get it ... sadly, we really do.

    Consider yourself hugged ... and hugged even tighter.



  4. The Mouat Crew8/24/2008 1:31 PM

    Once again Michelle, in such a concise and profound way you say it all, where a thousand of my words never could capture it. This year marked 25 years, a quarter century, since my brother died in my mom's arms in the back of our pickup coming home from the trip of our lives (Disney World) - his last big gift to his little brother - and three years since I lost the only friend I have ever considered to be closer than my brother. I wish I could tell you it gets easier over the years, but the blend of joy & grief, hope & hurt only seem to get more morphed together into who I am and expressed (when I let Him) in who God is making me.

    Is it better now? Not really. Is it more comfortable, I guess yes as it relates to it being an ingrained part of who I am and who I am becoming. Though in the words of Michael W Smith, this becoming is harder than it seems.

    I love you guys, and though it seems I say it often, it is always true - you are all never far from my thoughts.

    Will & the Crew

  5. Your beautiful words have left me


  6. Can't believe it has been 3 years. As I see kids and parents alike getting ready to start back to school I know it is also another year that Dave is with us in spirit.
    Michelle your doing a wonderful job raising three great kids. I also know Dave is there with you all the way.
    I want you and the kids to know I am thinking of you.


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