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Dear ones,
I'm sorry I've been missing. We've had connectivity problems with the internet. Something weird about the router. And Kenny's had this cold and I finally caught it. And then it was spring break and I was behind and worked a couple of 12 hour days to catch up and taught an extra class over break since the kids were still in school and now this week, they're off, but I'm in the crazy first week of the quarter at WWCC and my classes are overflowing and I'm still fighting this stupid cold, and you get the picture.

And now you get the pictures!

We celebrated the end of one basketball season. The boys ended their season withonly one loss. An amazing season. Amazing kids.

And then another season ended. The girls took 2nd in three tournaments this year!

The girls went all the way to the championship game in the Burbank tourney!

Then friends and family gathered:

To celebrate with Zach:

Who turned 16 on the 16th!

And got his driver's license the next day!

Do you know what baseball players do after practice?

They play soccer. With dogs.

And drive their brother to watch their sister play clarinet and drums in the PiHi band concert.

They go with a beautiful girl to the Sadie Hawkins dance (in my khaki pants, oo oo oo oo!)

They work hard, so they can catch:

And bat.

And basically own the diamond! I'm really proud of this kid. A few teammates were at a party where there was alcohol. More than a few, actually. And the party was on our street, on a weekend I was out of town. And Zach chose to do the right thing. A few extra pats on the back are in order!

Pictures of Kenny's track meet are in my mom's camera...MOOOOOOMMMM, help!!

And through it all, we think of Dave.
Every day.
Every breath.
I can't believe
that he's
not here.

I can see him
in my heart.

I can hear him
in my mind.

as Kate played the big bass drum,
"I always wanted to be a drummer.
My mom wouldn't let me."

proud as punch,
when Zach got his license.
"Way to go, son.
Be safe. Be safe."

that booming laugh,
when Kenny bounces around before his race.
"Staying loose, man, staying loose."

Hugging Zach.
"I knew you'd make the right choice."
Confidence and pride.

And those everyday things.
"Cute haircut, Kate."
"Forget everything the coaches say, Zach. Just go out there and HIT the ball."
"Go for the bronze, Kenny!" (old family joke)

He would have delighted in:
Zach getting headbutted in the knee by the ram at school.
Kate sending over 1500 text messages in a month.
Kenny getting all A's.
Kate babysitting for the first time.
Kenny having a girlfriend.
Zach watching March madness with such intensity.
Jake getting accepted to WSU.

Everything would be better if we could share it with him.
A friend....way far away, over mountains and rivers and cities and fields....asked me if it ever got better, or if we just get better at dealing with it.

For me, the truth is,

But I'm still breathing.
Finding joy.
Searching for peace.


Just in case, I will leave my things packed
So I can run away

I cannot trust these voices I don't have a line of prospects that can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to that can bring me sweet release
I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"

Empty spaces with shadows hit by streetlights
Warnings signs and weight of tired conversations
In the absence of a shoulder, in the abscess of a thief
On the brink of this destruction, on the eve of bittersweet
Now all the demons look like prophets and I'm living out
Every word they speak, every word they speak

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
Alone, alone, I don't want to be alone

I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work


  1. Oh, this was worth waiting for. Sorry for your cold and not feeling good; you know what they say "when you get sick your body is telling you to slow down!" I wish Dave was here for all those special moments too but he is watching and smiling and saying all those things you are hearing in your head. You are such an extention of him and so when you touch, hug, smile with pride and just plain enjoy those kiddos they can see him through you. Much love my friend.

  2. Much love to you friend. You're never far from my heart either. I can't believe how grown up your 'kids' are. Amazing. Truly amazing. =)

    We're Hanging in'...Hanging on to hope. Praying our hearts out. HUrting with and for other families who are walking similar paths. Ya'know. The usual.

    It's been too long since I've been "by". I've missed you're writing,the pics of your kids smiling faces. I had forgotten how much you and your family minister to me.

    Love you Meyers Crew!!!


  3. Thanks Michelle. What a beautiful message. I needed it. Keep breathing.

  4. Oh man, before I read the poem, I saw the picture and thought, "Wow, what a cute haircut Kate got!" :) It's adorable. Glad all is well and moving along. I've missed reading of your family's comings and goings. Lots happening here, some good, some not, but all parts of life. And so it goes.

    As always, keeping you in thought, and thanking you for sharing.

    --Patti in NJ

  5. I'll do pics today! I forgot that you didn't have your camera! I hope they come out OK. Hang in there, just keep hanging in there. Your kids are proof of the great job you are doing, even tho you don't always feel it. We love you - Mooooooom!!

  6. The Mouat Crew4/05/2008 9:30 PM

    Been missing you guys, and guess we've been a little MIA too lately. Crazier days than I thought there'd be coming home. While we haven't talked for awhile, you are still always there in our thoughts and in our hearts. Feelin' bad we didn't get Z's present shipped off in time, but we love you all. Please let us know of a good Saturday to catch a game in Tri-Cities or in WW coming up this month, we really do want to come see you all and watch Z play baseball.
    Love you guys!
    The Mouat Crew

  7. Michelle. Glad your back. I always think no news is good news. You must be busy.
    It seems when you love someone so deeply as you and Dave loved that that spiritual connection is something at a whole different level. Something that very few ever get to experience in a whole lifetime of marriage. That knowing Dave would do and say all these things and knowing this so deeply is incredable.
    I will never understand until the day I go see God why Dave was taken so early, but for you to have loved him this deeply will keep you breathing and plugging on and God will give you that peace. It may not be the way we want peace but he will give it.
    There's a song:
    Peace give I to you, not as the world gives give I to you, peace give I too you.
    Love ya, Sherri

  8. Dearest Chelle:

    Did you ever see the movie "Ghost"? Sometimes, when you write, I think about the fact that Rob started on his journey to Heaven just two weeks ahead of Dave, before you and I even knew of each other. Then I read what you write and cannot help but think ... "Ditto!"

    Love to you, my friend, and to your wonderful three! Dave is proud, watching from Heaven. Maybe he really IS saying those things you hear, just to your heart and not to your ears. I hope it is Rob's real thoughts I feel when I sometimes sense him with me ... or am wishing he were.

    I just want/wish him back. I keep thinking of what you wrote more than a year ago: "OK, I have been good and done all I am supposed to do. Now, SEND HIM BACK!!"

    Ditto...and "neither" for me, too.


    TX Curls

  9. Good to see you back. It was so good to see you a couple of weeks ago in your office. Even if it was to just say Hi. The kids seem to be doing so well it is great to read about them. After the weather we had today it is such a wonderful feeling. The trees and flowers are so pretty, it smells so nice and everyone seems so happy.
    I am ready for Spring and I think it is here.
    I am also glad the first two weeks of the quarter are over it is always such a busy time for everyone.
    I will stop by on Monday with cartridges, I went down last week and we have another load ready.
    Enjoy the rest of the weekend.

  10. We were back in Bodega Bay yesterday, and I couldn't help but wish you and Cathy were there too. It was a glorious day .... I would have loved to share it with you. You are right ... about so many things ... I'm not sure ANY of this gets easier, OR easier to cope with.

    The kids look wonderful. Congratulations to Kenny ... driving ... WOW! And you seem so calm with it.

    Hope all is well in Walla Walla ... hope winter is turning to Spring.

    Sending big, huge hugs!

  11. Okay ... that was funny! I love my new name Love, Cheri!!!

  12. What a great post. Loved the pictures and was touched with faith, hope, and love with your posting. I have been following your family and site for a long time. What an inspiration you and your family are to me and many others. Keep posting! My heart and prayers are with you on living life without Dave here on earth. He is with you though everyday! God Bless you all!

  13. Chellebelle,

    Wow. I usually get exhausted just from reading your posts, this is no exception! No wonder you were MIA, if I were you, I'd ALWAYS be MIA! Your plate is oh so full my friend, but these are good things, very good things. The kids......great. So great. And yes, very cute haircut, look out !! Sigh. It is little comfort, I suppose, knowing that Dave does see it all, is there with you....time goes by, and it still doesn't make sense. But you carry on and you do it beautifully dear Chelle. Inspiring. You keep the rest of us going.
    love to you,

  14. Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the Câmera Digital, I hope you enjoy. The address is A hug.

  15. Hi,

    Happy Belated Birthday to Zach!!!

    Congratulations Zack on getting your license!!

    I've been thinking about all of you!! Hope everyone is doing o.k.!!

    Love and hugs from Iowa,

  16. okay Michelle, Is time for another post. Must be busy with baseball, ect.


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