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Happy New Year!

Hello all, it's already January. I can hardly believe it. All the old cliche's seem to apply. Time flies and all that. I hope this new year has dawned bright, full of love, full of hope for all of you.

First of all, I uploaded new e-mail software and it deleted ALL of my old e-mails and addresses. So, if you'd like to keep in touch by e-mail or if I've not answered something you've sent me or if you want me to have your e-mail address, you'll have to write me at Yikes, what a headache that's been.

Most of you know, or have at least figured, that I fancy myself a bit of a wordsmith. It's been discouraging that for most of December, I've found myself sitting at the computer, unable to find anything to say, not answering e-mails, not writing in my journal or on the blog. I've been feeling numb. The holiday letter remains unwritten. The tv is on far too much, I'm sleeping all the time. I've felt as if I'm hibernating, hiding from the cold, still in the world, but not really a part of it. It's a sad and incredibly lonely feeling.

We had a wonderful Christmas. After a harrowing 12 hour drive, we arrived in Seattle to the Haroldsons. The time was much too short, but I think all four of us felt better than we had in ages, just to be with Erik, Evy, Canute and Sonja...and of course, Echo. It was warm and uplifting and comforting and healing. After a few days in Seattle, I felt more in that Christmas spirit. We got to see Mark and Christina and that was great, too. I smiled more in those few days than I had in the last month put together.

Then we braved the rain and wind to join Denise and crew at Mom and Dad's at the beach. It was a great time, very low-key and relaxing. The cousins were overjoyed to be together. Grandma Loree and Clayton joined us, too, and it turned out to be everything that Christmas should be. Lots of food, laughter, love and Santa magic.

We came home and right in a row we made it through Dave's birthday on the 28th, Doug's birthday on the 30th and Kyle's birthday on the 2nd. Those were all very hard days for me, and it's true what they say about the second year being even harder. I remember it was true after Kyle died as well. The shock and numbness have worn off, and the reality is setting in. I find myself often retreating to that numbness, trying not to feel, unable to cry. It doesn't feel healthy. And it felt lonely. The kids were, on the surface at least, pretty unaware of the days, and I let them be that way, which is pretty unlike me. It left me feeling very stranded and isolated. Thank you to Bryan Stroud, JudyMom and Tina Quesenberry who let me know they remembered Dave's birthday. It helped me feel less alone. helped me breathe.

We spent last night in the ER again. Zach finally had a great game...14 points, 4 steals and numerous assists...then went to Bob and Mindy's to watch the Seahawks. On the way to the varsity game, he slammed his finger in the car door. They had to put his nail back under the skin and stitch it in place and stitch up a laceration. It was pretty gruesome. And he's out for at least 7-10 days. Sheesh. I think he missed the wheelchairs. Thanks, Dr. Bergstrom once again for helping out, and Will for all the moral support.

Kenny went skiing for the first time this season and had a great time. He'll be skiing with the Special Olympics team every Saturday now. He's really excited to be back at it.

Kate went skiing with Megan Withers and had a lot of fun. She's gearing up for her dance recital in a few weeks. She's in Jazz 4 and will be dancing as Saturn this time. She's started school basketball and AAU basketball and is really loving it.

So you can see, as usual, we're busy with keeps moving, and keeps us moving, which is a good thing, I think, expecially since I'm in this kind of blue space where when I think about Dave, I start to feel paralyzed, kind of stuck, unable to move forward, unable to breathe. Kathy...thank you for the post from the movie describes those feeling perfectly. So here I am, hanging on, still breathing, still getting through.

I'll leave you with a few pictures of the last month.

I love you, Shelley


  1. Shell
    Wow, what a post. Isn't it true the second year is worse. I am so sorry you are having those blue times and the weather of course doesn't help. I wish time would stand still and we didn't have to go forward without the ones we love. However, we do it. Know that I continue to keep you in my prayers and I don't forget what a struggle life is. I wish I could take away the pain and the emptiness. Hope Zacks finger heals quickly, it sounds awful. Happy New Year to you and hopefully Joy will soon fill your heart and you will be on that road to steadiness.

  2. Double damn about Z's finger. I thought he was going to get thru a season without any major damage to any body parts. Fingers are fairly key in basketball. Sigh.

    Just sent you a long email so you have my address. That stinks, too, about the lost address book. I guess "stuff" happens all the time, but it seems more brutal when you're down.

    Hang in there baby. And, no, I guess you don't really have a choice. :)

    Love, -Deb

  3. Michelle - I know that this is a hard time for you, but I want you to know that you brought Dad & I much joy this Christmas with your presence and your kids. I don't know if it helps any, but it was very special to me to have you all here. Mom & Clayton enjoyed you all, too. It will be a special memory for us. Know that we love you and will be there on the 19th, weather permitting. Mom & Dad

  4. Just checking in on my friends ... Hope all is well in Walla Walla!

  5. Michelle, Ive been off line for awhile but now got internet again. Trying to get caught up on everyone. Just wanted you to know Im thinking of you.
    Love and hugs from Minnesota!


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