Monday, January 23, 2006 11:25 PM CST
Warning: not for the faint of heart or the worry-warts.
I'm having another of those days.
The days when I not only can't fix it,
but I can't stand it, either.
Another part of the cycle.
Another low on this roller coaster.
Kevin is faltering.
Lou can't walk.
Fred is dying.
Hadley has no trial to enter.
Hailee's been in the hospital.
I write to these people.
I love these people.
People I've never seen,
never touched,
who are still my friends.
Sometimes my only friends.
If it weren't for Lisa,
dropping by,
the gift of another adult voice
in my house,
someone to just hear
the small, everyday stories,
I think I'd come unglued.
Amid the busy, rowdy noise
of kids and their friends,
it's so lonely here.
I try to pray,
for those still in the fight,
I try to pray
for my children
I try to pray
for what's left of my family,
but on nights like tonight,
my prayers feel useless,
empty,
falling through darkness
to land
unheard
unseen
unfelt.
And I know, I realize,
each time I write to these friends,
that I am living their worst fear.
I am their nightmare.
I live in the place they never want to go.
A barren place,
a place where
the loneliness is numbing
and the pain is searing,
a place of utter solitude,
where I am completely alone
where there is no Dave
and I can't feel God
and I don't feel love.
If you can't fix it,
and you can't stand it,
then you've just got to wait it out,
ride it through,
keep moving,
keep breathing,
and wait
to be able to see
the love that never fails.
I know it's there.
Shelley
PS. Update at 12:35 am Pacific time....
of course the love is there...
it came knocking on my door,
in the form of Dee,
friend beyond measure,
bringing coffee at midnight,
listening,
accepting,
hearing,
caring,
understanding,
Dee, you are wise
warm
wonderful.
Claudia, thanks for nudging her!
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Warning: not for the faint of heart or the worry-warts.
I'm having another of those days.
The days when I not only can't fix it,
but I can't stand it, either.
Another part of the cycle.
Another low on this roller coaster.
Kevin is faltering.
Lou can't walk.
Fred is dying.
Hadley has no trial to enter.
Hailee's been in the hospital.
I write to these people.
I love these people.
People I've never seen,
never touched,
who are still my friends.
Sometimes my only friends.
If it weren't for Lisa,
dropping by,
the gift of another adult voice
in my house,
someone to just hear
the small, everyday stories,
I think I'd come unglued.
Amid the busy, rowdy noise
of kids and their friends,
it's so lonely here.
I try to pray,
for those still in the fight,
I try to pray
for my children
I try to pray
for what's left of my family,
but on nights like tonight,
my prayers feel useless,
empty,
falling through darkness
to land
unheard
unseen
unfelt.
And I know, I realize,
each time I write to these friends,
that I am living their worst fear.
I am their nightmare.
I live in the place they never want to go.
A barren place,
a place where
the loneliness is numbing
and the pain is searing,
a place of utter solitude,
where I am completely alone
where there is no Dave
and I can't feel God
and I don't feel love.
If you can't fix it,
and you can't stand it,
then you've just got to wait it out,
ride it through,
keep moving,
keep breathing,
and wait
to be able to see
the love that never fails.
I know it's there.
Shelley
PS. Update at 12:35 am Pacific time....
of course the love is there...
it came knocking on my door,
in the form of Dee,
friend beyond measure,
bringing coffee at midnight,
listening,
accepting,
hearing,
caring,
understanding,
Dee, you are wise
warm
wonderful.
Claudia, thanks for nudging her!
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