Skip to main content

Another One of Those Days

Monday, January 23, 2006 11:25 PM CST

Warning: not for the faint of heart or the worry-warts.

I'm having another of those days.
The days when I not only can't fix it,
but I can't stand it, either.

Another part of the cycle.
Another low on this roller coaster.

Kevin is faltering.
Lou can't walk.
Fred is dying.
Hadley has no trial to enter.
Hailee's been in the hospital.

I write to these people.
I love these people.
People I've never seen,
never touched,
who are still my friends.

Sometimes my only friends.
If it weren't for Lisa,
dropping by,
the gift of another adult voice
in my house,
someone to just hear
the small, everyday stories,
I think I'd come unglued.
Amid the busy, rowdy noise
of kids and their friends,
it's so lonely here.

I try to pray,
for those still in the fight,
I try to pray
for my children
I try to pray
for what's left of my family,
but on nights like tonight,
my prayers feel useless,
empty,
falling through darkness
to land
unheard
unseen
unfelt.

And I know, I realize,
each time I write to these friends,
that I am living their worst fear.
I am their nightmare.
I live in the place they never want to go.

A barren place,
a place where
the loneliness is numbing
and the pain is searing,
a place of utter solitude,
where I am completely alone
where there is no Dave
and I can't feel God
and I don't feel love.

If you can't fix it,
and you can't stand it,
then you've just got to wait it out,
ride it through,
keep moving,
keep breathing,
and wait
to be able to see
the love that never fails.

I know it's there.

Shelley

PS. Update at 12:35 am Pacific time....
of course the love is there...
it came knocking on my door,
in the form of Dee,
friend beyond measure,
bringing coffee at midnight,
listening,
accepting,
hearing,
caring,
understanding,
Dee, you are wise
warm
wonderful.
Claudia, thanks for nudging her!



Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Goodbyes

So I had my first Walla Walla goodbyes.
The first was my eye doctor, Dr. Poffenroth.
He's taken care of my eyes for 25 years.
He's more than just an eye doctor.  He's a caring person and a friend.
As I left my last appointment, he handed me a card with a referral to a friend of his who practices in Port Angeles.
I looked at the card.
And realized...I won't see him again.

I've been living in a bit of denial.
I know.  Big surprise.

With all the excitement and chaos of moving,
And all the stress of living in limbo,
I somehow missed that I'd be leaving some things
some people
behind.

I know I'll be back often.
To see my kids and the new grandbaby,
friends and family.
This fact allowed me to forget...
there are some I won't see.

Even though we promise to keep in touch,
Life has a way of getting busy.
Good intentions and all that.

I  have written many times about Walla Walla.
It's a magical place.
Safe, nurturing.
I never thought I'd leave.

People ask…

Being a Widow on Father's Day

This day never gets easier.
never

I scroll facebook and I see
that my children and I are not alone.
So many families missing dads on
Father's Day.

We are lucky.
Dave was here,
and fought to stay,
as long as he could.
He left a legacy that we will
always remember.
He was honest and kind and caring.
He was full of faith and joy and love.
His example leads us through every day
without him.
Missing him never goes away.

I want to give a "shout-out"
to all those moms who do double duty.
Who work hard to be the best mom that they can,
and try to fill the empty space left by a dad
who is no longer here.

For the last almost 11 years,
and often in the years before that
when Dave was so sick,
I tried to do what I could.
"There is no way to be a perfect mother,but a million ways to be a good one."
I worked two jobs.  Sometimes three.
A few times, even four.
To make sure my kids could stay in their childhood home,
to try to provide some safety, stability and security
in a wo…

Tattoo

So.
I got a tattoo.  Christine actually wrote on my facebook post, "You??"
Yeah.  Me.

I've been thinking about it for six years.
I finally decided that if after six years, I still wanted it, maybe it was time.

The writing is Dave and Doug's.
Taken from notes they wrote me.
They always signed their notes the same way.

I thought I was doing it in memory of them.
To mark the way they are always on my heart.
To have a visible reminder.
A permanent keepsake,
always with me.

And while it is that.
It is also more.

I didn't realize it,
until afterwards.

It's a marker.
A closing of a chapter.
Closure, if you will.

I don't know how to explain it.
The minute it was finished,
I knew.
I knew something inside me was different.

Dave,
and to a lesser extent,
Doug,
have been part of my every thought
every day
for over 10 years.

Daryl saw the Dali Lama this summer.
One thing he learned:
Interrogate your truth.

I've been thinking about that a lot.

Interrogate implies a…