Skip to main content

Brave Wings

Ten Years Without Dave



Brave does not mean unafraid.
I am brave.
But I have been very afraid.
Many times.

Learning to live without someone, well...
this is the part where
you find out what you're made of.


Dave's dying has changed me.
Changed everything, really.

None for the best,
no, not the best.

But some are good.
Yes, there is good.

I am brave.
Kenny, Zach, Kate...
they are brave,
strong.

Strong, real, true,
authentic.

Would we be if Dave were here?
I think so.
But the quality would be
different.

Growth borne of pain
is different than
growth nurtured from joy.

We are tempered by fire.
Fierce
and yes
brave.

Yet...


People say
it gets easier,
time heals.

I still disagree.

Or
they wonder how
I do it.
They think they
could not be
so strong,
so brave.

You can, darling.
It's only repetition,
over
and
over.

I am practiced in pain.
Adept in grief.
I am better at it now.
I can move nimbly through it,
knowing there is no way
around,
only through.
I have exercised
just the right movements
a million times.
Those muscles are strong,
making it
look....
easier.

I am not the same.
Never the same.

But neither would I be
if Dave were here.

Life is about changing,
growing,
and yes,
accepting.

And being brave,
whatever comes.


Did you know
scars
are stronger
than skin?
Invisible scars
knit me together.
And make me
strong.
Make me
brave.

"Courage, dear heart." C.S. Lewis


So we can rise up
and embrace
what is,
what will be.
Even as we
still
mourn
what was.

Moving forward,
letting go.

But I bring a little piece
of you
with me
wherever
I go.


Comments

  1. As a woman who understands the power of words and the grief you carry, these words you have written are raw, beautiful and full of truth. I have the Elizabeth Kubler-Ross quote on my fridge to read daily - "You will be whole again but you will never be the same again. Nor should you be the same, nor should you want to." Thanks for sharing your words, they matter and have an impact. ~k

    ReplyDelete
  2. Michelle, this is so beautifully written. So inspiring.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Michelle, this is so beautifully written. So inspiring.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Tattoo

So.
I got a tattoo.  Christine actually wrote on my facebook post, "You??"
Yeah.  Me.

I've been thinking about it for six years.
I finally decided that if after six years, I still wanted it, maybe it was time.

The writing is Dave and Doug's.
Taken from notes they wrote me.
They always signed their notes the same way.

I thought I was doing it in memory of them.
To mark the way they are always on my heart.
To have a visible reminder.
A permanent keepsake,
always with me.

And while it is that.
It is also more.

I didn't realize it,
until afterwards.

It's a marker.
A closing of a chapter.
Closure, if you will.

I don't know how to explain it.
The minute it was finished,
I knew.
I knew something inside me was different.

Dave,
and to a lesser extent,
Doug,
have been part of my every thought
every day
for over 10 years.

Daryl saw the Dali Lama this summer.
One thing he learned:
Interrogate your truth.

I've been thinking about that a lot.

Interrogate implies a…

August Blog Challenge - Day 9

List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.

Okay, on this blog you've read a lot about my mom and dad.  And Dave, Doug and Kyle.  And Kenny, Zach, Kaitlyn and Kailee.  These people are my family.  Everything I do, I do for them.  It would be impossible for me to adequately describe their influence on me.  And I've talked about them a lot.  So I'm just going to say a word about each of them and what they've taught me - and then I'll go into 10 people outside that circle.

Mom taught me to think of others.  Dad taught me to work hard.  Dave taught me to love unconditionally and out loud.  Doug taught me to never give up and to enjoy each moment.  Kyle taught me to be a mother.  Kenny taught me to embrace the life you have and to laugh.  Zach taught me to think things through and go 100%. Kaitlyn taught me about honesty and that there is always sunshine, even when you can't see it.  Kailee taught me new aspects of faith and faithfulness.

1. Denise - De…

Goodbyes

So I had my first Walla Walla goodbyes.
The first was my eye doctor, Dr. Poffenroth.
He's taken care of my eyes for 25 years.
He's more than just an eye doctor.  He's a caring person and a friend.
As I left my last appointment, he handed me a card with a referral to a friend of his who practices in Port Angeles.
I looked at the card.
And realized...I won't see him again.

I've been living in a bit of denial.
I know.  Big surprise.

With all the excitement and chaos of moving,
And all the stress of living in limbo,
I somehow missed that I'd be leaving some things
some people
behind.

I know I'll be back often.
To see my kids and the new grandbaby,
friends and family.
This fact allowed me to forget...
there are some I won't see.

Even though we promise to keep in touch,
Life has a way of getting busy.
Good intentions and all that.

I  have written many times about Walla Walla.
It's a magical place.
Safe, nurturing.
I never thought I'd leave.

People ask…