Skip to main content

There for you



Yesterday I was so lonely for Dave. He seems so far away and I ache for him. Every little thing reminds me of him and there are so many moments I need him there. So many, many things I want him to see. And while I know, in an abstract way, that he is still there, I miss the connection with him, I miss feeling him near, knowing his heart. I don't know what heaven is like. I don't know whether Dave can truly "look down" on us here. I don't know of any scripture that addresses what kind of connection those in heaven will have with us here, if any. I've written before about how strong my connection with Dave was here on earth...and that I truly, truly believed with all my heart and sould that I would still feel him even after he was gone. But I hardly ever do. I don't sense his presence the way I thought I would.

And yet, Doug, (if you don't know the Doug story, see: Doug Andrews and scroll down the page a bit) he seems to be everywhere. I have dreams of Doug, vibrant and alive. The songs on the radio remind me of Doug. I think it's that it's been so hard to find any peace about Doug's death; it's a way of processing all that. My mind returns restlessly to Doug in a way it doesn't to Dave. So anyway, yesterday, in the car, I was driving and crying, reaching out to Dave, screaming with my heart, for him to send me something, anything.

I turned on the radio and this song was playing. The first words I heard were, "When you breathe, I wanna be the air for you." And it was like I was surrounded by Dave. For just a moment, I felt his love wrap around me, hold me close, like he really was in the very air. For a moment, I was very aware of all the many ways Dave is still there for us.

And of course, reality came crashing back down a few minutes later. It was a good moment, but so far from what I want, what I need.

In the meantime, we keep on breathing. Some of you understand how very hard that is. Some of you know how on some days, it's all we can do.

So here's what we'be been up to the last few weeks.

More football. Here's a pic of Kate entertaining the little ones at a game. Thanks, Julie!



And some of the Zachs, thanks Tawnie!






And the team in VICTORY!


Kate is growing up so very fast. She's becoming a young woman before my eyes. In celebration of that, she got her ears pierced. She asked her brothers to come with her and support her. They were so cute.







And the other thing...we got new carpet, which involved moving our furniture around a million times, since we had to paint, too, and now we've torn out all the floors in the entry, living room, dining room and kitchen:



So that we can put in new hardwood floors. Denise is on her way as I write, and we'll be working all weekend. I hope to have a beautiful "after" picture for all you diy-ers! Here it is, waiting to go in!



I also put a hit counter on this website, thinking that it might be time to close it down since the comments are few and far between, and mostly from folks I talk to anyway. But it looks like we're getting about 150 hits a day. So I guess I'm not completely talking to myself. Know that I appreciate those of you kind enough to comment more than I can say.

Also, please visit Butch Gamboa's website...see the link on sidebar. He's struggling and they could use all the Team Meyer prayers they can get. His wife, Kara, is an absolute gem. They are young and newly married. This disease is so cruel.

Also, Matt Downey, 30 years old, married only a year, and author of the phrase "No Day But Today," died in October. You can visit his website here. I'm sure they would appreciate your kind thoughts as well.

Love you all...


I'll Be There For You by Bon Jovi

I guess this time you're really leaving
I heard your suitcase say goodbye
Well as my broken heart lies bleeding
You say true love, it's suicide

You say you've cried a thousand rivers
And now you're swimming for the shore
You left me drowning in my tears
And you won't save me anymore

I pray to God you'll give me one more chance, girl

I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for you

I know you know we're had some good times
Now they have their own hiding place
I can't promise you tomorrow
But I can't buy back yesterday

And baby you know my hands are dirty
But I wanted to be your valentine
I'll be the water when you get thirsty, baby
When you get drunk, I'll be the wine

I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for you

Solo

And I wasn't there when you were happy
I wasn't there when you were down
I didn't mean to miss your birthday, baby
I wish I'd seen you blow those candles out

I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for you

Comments

  1. Shell
    I think this is so wierd. I have been doing so good and then today I was off and sitting around waiting and just found myself and my mind wondering to my dad and sat and cried for an hour. I haven't done that for awhile. I have so many people say "I see my loved one in dreams and they are so real and so happy." I never do. I wish I did feel his presence more; I wish I could feel his touch. I wish you could feel and hear Dave more. I wish you didn't have to scream out to him. I wish he would walk in the door. You however, are a strong woman and a great mom all the things Dave saw in you as a young woman. It doesn't seem like it but he is with you; I know he is. Don't stop writing, don't close your blogg out even those of us who get to see you, visit with you and hug you still like to come here and read your words of great wisdom. I am so proud to call you my friend and so happy when I see you and that wonderful smile.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lisa D'Hondt11/03/2006 7:03 PM

    As someone who can't see you and talk to you I really appreciate the blog. I check it every day to see how I can pray for you. I love the pictures and your heart-felt messages. You and your darling children are in my prayers. Love, Lisa

    ReplyDelete
  3. From Canute (just so you know right now)

    Whoops, i didn't know that you could leave comments on this site, i never saw any link so i could say something.

    I this he is still everywhere that he inluenced people, i've been finding magic pennies every week, and i know that Dave is there, just maybe waiting for a moment where you really need the helping hand, instead of allways watching, because no matter how much we love someone, we can never be with them allways. So Dave will never fade away, he just might not show up for a while, but be certain, that he will always come back.

    This song describes it as well as i can think of.

    Run - Snow Patrol

    I'll sing it one last time for you
    Then we really have to go
    You've been the only thing that's right
    In all I've done

    And I can barely look at you
    But every single time I do
    I know we'll make it anywhere
    Away from here

    Light up, light up
    As if you have a choice
    Even if you cannot hear my voice
    I'll be right beside you dear

    Louder louder
    And we'll run for our lives
    I can hardly speak I understand
    Why you can't raise your voice to say

    To think I might not see those eyes
    Makes it so hard not to cry
    And as we say our long goodbye
    I nearly do

    Light up...

    Slower slower
    We don't have time for that
    All I want is to find an easier way
    To get out of our little heads

    Have heart my dear
    We're bound to be afraid
    Even if it's just for a few days
    Making up for all this mess


    Love,
    Canute

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've never left a message, but have found strength in your strength and wisdom in your words. Keep on blogging; you're inspirational. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Michelle, I check on your site everyday and think of you often. I do know what you mean on wanting to feel Daves presense. There are so many days that I dont feel Kevins either, but when I have a day that I really need that I know hes around me. Theres just little "signs" from him that I know hes watching over me and the kids. I tried calling you a few weeks ago and I will try again when I get a chance.
    Sending love and hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi Meyer Family .... just a note to let you know that we all think of you often ... AND, your football team beat my nephews (Univeristy) this weekend ... and beat them you did! I hear the score was embarrasing (for U-Hi) ... and the weather worse!

    Thinking of you all, and just letting you know that our lives keep crossing paths, even when we don't know it.

    cheri

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wayne Deckman11/06/2006 2:33 PM

    Michelle,

    I really enjoy visiting your site and apologize for not commenting earlier. I try and visit the site 2-3 times a week just to keep up-to-date with the Meyer family. Your posts are wonderful and I hope you continue. Rarely a day goes by that I don't think about Dave or Doug. All the incredibly fun times we had that are now just memories. Your descriptions of both Dave and Doug rush me back to those days and all the emotions come to the surface. It is helping me heal as well.

    Thank You!!

    Love to you and your family.

    - Wayne

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dear Shell - Cool pics of the kids; I loved Zach peering so intently at the process happening to little sis's ears. :)

    I'm sorry your Dave-longings hurt so very badly. I too was hoping you'd feel that connection... if anyone could, it would be you two. I hope you find some satisfaction in knowing how happy and relieved Dave would be that you're carrying on so well, moving forward for the kids. I think it was the only thing that really scared him about having brain cancer--the idea of leaving you and the kids to such pain. I'm so proud of you.

    Love you, -Deb

    ReplyDelete
  9. Chellebelle,

    Sigh and sigh again. I wish I knew the answers. Just know that Dave is there, he's always there. And so are we....

    Thinking of you all, always.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Michelle,

    Thank you so very much for the love, support and prayers from you and from all the awesome members of Team Meyer. I want you to know that you are inspiring me through these difficult days with Butch - I think about your grace and strength as you and Dave fought your battle - and find the strength to keep going. I thank you for that as well.

    I think that Butch's time in earth is drawing to a close. I don't know for sure, obviously, but the signs are all there. And I fight the reality, even though it's right there.

    Strange, isn't it? This friendship, closeness of heart and spirit, that draws all the loved ones of brain tumor warriors together and carries us through the darkest of times - even though we have never *actually* met. God works in mysterious ways.

    Love, Kara
    Wife of Butch - fighting hard

    ReplyDelete
  11. I've never met you face to face...or talked to you on the phone. Your blog comforts me in so many ways. I don't know what I'd do without one of the people God chose to put in my life...to see that this journey doesn't have to be the end of me. I'm scared all of the time...and then I turn to you. I cannot imagine your pain nor do I know what you are going through. I only know that you are alive...and breathing. That's what God wants me to see. I hope you don't stop showing us your victory.

    Deanne Messinger

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Tattoo

So.
I got a tattoo.  Christine actually wrote on my facebook post, "You??"
Yeah.  Me.

I've been thinking about it for six years.
I finally decided that if after six years, I still wanted it, maybe it was time.

The writing is Dave and Doug's.
Taken from notes they wrote me.
They always signed their notes the same way.

I thought I was doing it in memory of them.
To mark the way they are always on my heart.
To have a visible reminder.
A permanent keepsake,
always with me.

And while it is that.
It is also more.

I didn't realize it,
until afterwards.

It's a marker.
A closing of a chapter.
Closure, if you will.

I don't know how to explain it.
The minute it was finished,
I knew.
I knew something inside me was different.

Dave,
and to a lesser extent,
Doug,
have been part of my every thought
every day
for over 10 years.

Daryl saw the Dali Lama this summer.
One thing he learned:
Interrogate your truth.

I've been thinking about that a lot.

Interrogate implies a…

August Blog Challenge - Day 9

List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.

Okay, on this blog you've read a lot about my mom and dad.  And Dave, Doug and Kyle.  And Kenny, Zach, Kaitlyn and Kailee.  These people are my family.  Everything I do, I do for them.  It would be impossible for me to adequately describe their influence on me.  And I've talked about them a lot.  So I'm just going to say a word about each of them and what they've taught me - and then I'll go into 10 people outside that circle.

Mom taught me to think of others.  Dad taught me to work hard.  Dave taught me to love unconditionally and out loud.  Doug taught me to never give up and to enjoy each moment.  Kyle taught me to be a mother.  Kenny taught me to embrace the life you have and to laugh.  Zach taught me to think things through and go 100%. Kaitlyn taught me about honesty and that there is always sunshine, even when you can't see it.  Kailee taught me new aspects of faith and faithfulness.

1. Denise - De…

Goodbyes

So I had my first Walla Walla goodbyes.
The first was my eye doctor, Dr. Poffenroth.
He's taken care of my eyes for 25 years.
He's more than just an eye doctor.  He's a caring person and a friend.
As I left my last appointment, he handed me a card with a referral to a friend of his who practices in Port Angeles.
I looked at the card.
And realized...I won't see him again.

I've been living in a bit of denial.
I know.  Big surprise.

With all the excitement and chaos of moving,
And all the stress of living in limbo,
I somehow missed that I'd be leaving some things
some people
behind.

I know I'll be back often.
To see my kids and the new grandbaby,
friends and family.
This fact allowed me to forget...
there are some I won't see.

Even though we promise to keep in touch,
Life has a way of getting busy.
Good intentions and all that.

I  have written many times about Walla Walla.
It's a magical place.
Safe, nurturing.
I never thought I'd leave.

People ask…